Help, I’m Telling Strangers My Secrets

We complain about things like Facebook and Twitter impinging on our privacy, but I think that’s absurd because we are the ones providing details about our lives (including our relationship status, down to the minute of hook-up and break-up) on the web and showing them off to friends and “friends” and strangers.

If we don’t want someone to come inside our house, we can lock the door. Likewise, if we don’t want the information that we are foot fetishists to be known and used against us, we can make a conscious decision to not put it on our profiles. It’s as simple as that, especially since the Great and Almighty Corporation of Facebook can’t jump out of our screens and learn what we did last weekend with a bong and eight shots of tequila, so long as we don’t tell them. On the other hand, any trespasser or hooligan can break through our windows and get inside our homes, so really they aren’t that bad in comparison.

We are the exhibitors of our personal information, the ones typing it all up. We are the invaders of our own privacy. We can’t pretend not to know this because it’s so obvious.

I think we feel inclined to blame Facebook for everything, because of the cognitive dissonance (psychological tension caused by one’s own contradicting attitude and behaviour) that occurs when we use tools like Facebook or Twitter. We are torn between our powerful exhibitionistic urges and our ideological appreciation of privacy — and this confuses and makes us feel uncomfortable.

Take me, for example. If someone asked me, “do you value your privacy?” I’d say I do, absolutely. The public has no business in what I am doing with myself and I wholeheartedly believe that.

But I am obviously an exhibitionist. I am easily tempted to reveal intimate facts about myself to the public. That’s why I blog it, Twitter it, Facebook it, and Tumblr it. I discuss, elaborate, analyze, narrate, and illustrate how my day went, all in the extreme public sphere of the Internet. Even offline, I make friends and tell them more than I should. I beg them to be involved in my private life.

In fact, upon further introspection, my exhibitionism seems to run even deeper. Although in my sane mind I think stalking is incredibly creepy, I find with a shudder that secretly and unconsciously I want people to be interested in me enough to stalk me. I want people to care about the mundane things I do and monitor my every move. I want strangers to recognize me and have forum discussions about my thoughts, beliefs, and actions. It sometimes gives me exquisite chills to receive comments on my blog entry or a status update on one of my many social networking sites.

When that happens, I cannot believe how much of a freak and hypocrite I am.

For someone who says she values her privacy, I sure spend a lot of my time exposing myself. I whine about people disrespecting my personal space, but I am the one that doesn’t give a damn about it, telling everyone about her darkest secrets and oral hygiene.

And it really makes me want to blame Facebook and Twitter and blog and Tumblr (that I signed up for out of my own free will) that make it that easy for me to do so. I want to say, “damn you, Internet! You are making me invade my privacy in a really user-friendly and aesthetically pleasing way!”

Maybe our culture’s obsession with fame has turned me into this off-putting attention whore. Damn you, western civilization! But of course I don’t think it is a simple as that. We can’t just blame the generalized “our culture” and become free of personal blame for being what we are.

Instead, I think we should gather the courage to ask the question: Why do we come up with increasingly better ways to expose ourselves (i.e. Facebook, then Twitter) all the while complaining about our personal space being spat on? Why do we want everyone to know that our teeth hurt today and that we should really go see a dentist?

I want to argue here that it is because our entire worldview is built around the idea that openness and communication is awesome, that open door policies are a good and healthy thing (even if it opens doors to the riff-raffs too), that knowing is the first step to understanding and empathy (even if too much information is annoying), and that truth is infinitely productive (even at its most destructive). And I think we are right to believe these things.

Privacy is only offered behind locked doors. But when no one is free to come inside your personal sphere – sticking their nose in matters of your thoughts, attitudes, and actions – no real dialogue can occur. No dialogue means no movement, no change, no solutions and no real understanding of others or even ourselves. Dialogue and social interaction is crucial for individual growth and a healthy community. Don’t trust anyone who tells you otherwise because they are either a coward or your enemy.

I think because many of us understand this fact, consciously or unconsciously, we are quickly seduced by the idea of unlocking the door. And it makes perfect sense to bust it open and invite people in, because what kind of life is it to live it by ourselves? Although we shouldn’t be forced to reveal secrets we do not want to reveal (unless of course the secret in question is the location of the bomb or hostages or victims of a kidnap or bodies of the murdered victims), we might eagerly choose to for the breath of fresh air. On a purely experiential level, when we share what’s on our minds, it feels good – and of course there are effective therapies built around this fact.

So we undress and reveal ourselves! Watch me! Please watch me!

And it’s exhilarating to be naked and watched. But then we feel embarrassed and guilty about our nakedness, because we stigmatize exhibitionistic behavior as imprudent and inappropriate. So when someone (sometimes ourselves) point out this inner paradox, we make a scapegoat out of Facebook and Twitter. Damn you, you useful tools with which we indulge our twisted appetite for exposure!

But I would like to take this opportunity to defend these effective hammers against the walls between us. Privacy is important, but so is openness. Self-indulgent and excessive exhibitionism is annoying, but we can just say “I don’t care” or “Too much information” to that and move on. In the form of considerate openness (not in-your-face aggressive revelations), however, I think self-exposure should be encouraged. I think twittering can be wonderfully healthy.

(Published in the first edition of Konekt Magazine, Fall 2009)

Fanaticism Obliterates Feelings

Disjointed thoughts Re: this article in Good magazine (<3!)

I think what happened is that these young people, who originally had no direction (as pointed out in the article) and no real identity to call their own, treated Obama like Jesus, and the entire campaign like a religious cult. They sought to find a kind of identity in their fervor for Obama and they did, for a while — but being an Obama freak doesn’t pay the bills or move them forward into adulthood. And totally unlike Christianity that spans literally centuries and therefore easily many lifetimes down the generations, this campaign was freaking short. And once they got their happy ending and Obama was elected, it’s over — and it’s not like they’re waiting anything else, either. It’s like actually having an armageddon and every Christian being saved and all the nonbelievers annhilated. When it actually happens, it would be amazing and all the good Christians would celebrate and enjoy the festivities!

But then what?

People have certainly been saying something like this all throughout that campaign. Anyway I still think it’s ridiculous that some people take this and go a step further, comparing Obama and his young fans to Hitler who bred Nazi Youths, etc. because he is an impeachable politician and not a fascist butcher. And I don’t think Obama intentionally create myths about his abilities as the president. Just as Christianity (and all its shocking misdeeds) wasn’t Jesus’s fault, the fault here lies mainly on the youths themselves. Their incredible dedication to Obama campaign was a copout and an escapist’s pretension of courage. They wanted to feel like they had dreams and ideals and a sense that they are in charge of their own future — but of course that’s all a joke, when they aren’t really willing to work to take charge of anything.

They just said Obama will make it all good again and bet all their money on him. The whole point of Obama was that he wanted America to work again, do the stuff people don’t like to do because stuff like that has to be done. But instead of doing that, studying hard and rolling up their sleeves, his young followers (who are clearly obssessed with easy fame and success — the number of YouTube videos of guitar-playing people and “amateurs” who apply to be the next top model, next American idol, next this, next that is devastatingly large and getting larger) just decided to put all their energy towards getting this guy elected — and it’s fun, because the whole process feels a lot like a popularity contest at their high schools or a cool party full of people similar to them or a club that is larger than life. In their fanaticism and euphoria, they wholeheartedly believed that Obama in the White House would solve everything, and that he will make sure of their future happiness (kinda like God will make sure of their future happiness, if you just believe in him, make your love for him your life’s work, and doing nothing else to really help yourself).

But of course that doesn’t happen, because Obama isn’t God. And he doesn’t claim to be! At all. He repeatedly says: we all have to work. I’m not a saviour. It’s not just me who can bring this country out of the deep shit it is in now.

But no one wants to hear that. They don’t even take it seriously. They think he says that because he is humble and generally a nice cool guy who says nice cool things like that. They just think it’s one of those inconsequential and meaningless pep talks motivational speakers give: work hard, guys!

The consequences of interrupting their lives for the campaign is that when they are done, they have to get back to their everyday lives, which is made very difficult. They suddenly have to do work — real work — and they have to do more work than their peers who did not spend a year on the trail. They fell behind and they have to work harder than others, which isn’t as fun as handing out buttons and chanting and rallying (which is practically a cheering party). As a result, they feel hopeless and sad and hallower than they already were once they face the harshness of real, adult life. It’s their own fault though. They set themselves up for it.

Obama, on the other hand, was trying to get elected President of the United States as a black man with little aside from his intellect. He needed the hype be elected. He exploited the hype — which I guess could be ethically questionable, but then what route to winning isn’t? — and let the fanatics exploit themselves for him, because otherwise he wouldn’t have won. I think him winning was more important (not only to him, but also for everyone else) than making sure that none of his volunteers were crazy kids in an identity crisis, because losers get nothing. Losers really lose and there was just too much at stake.

Complaining of the Present, Fearing Future.

Read this article, in which some people (but not all) complain about “too much hugging” among the youths.

People complain about everything. Like, seriously. Everything. There is no stopping them. Too many choices? They complain about it. Too much freedom? They whine. Too much convenience? That’s worth bitching about too. Too much information? Too much technology?  Too much communication? What do you want, then? Tell us how much of these things is just enough, not too much and not too little, and we might be able to work on that. So stop complaining unless you have a real solution.

But look, I even sort of understand all the fuss over these things. I sympathize and empathize with the overwhelming feeling that it’s all just too much. The world moves incredibly fast, way faster than we can handle, so there ought to be people who complain about it.

And there are arguments to be made against too many choices, too much freedom, too much technology. I don’t know what kind of arguments you can possibly make about too much convenience, too much information, or too much communication, but I have the patience to hear it out and discuss it.  There are negative consequences that inevitably follow all of these things.

But hugs? Now we are complaining about too many hugs? That is like saying too much fun is problematic. Or that too much awesomeness is problematic.

Hugs are good. Very good. And here is why:

Words can fail. And especially for those of us not old enough to express ourselves in an eloquent and vibrant way — like the early teenagers this article is targeting — language has its limitations. Some of these complicated and strange things we feel can be challenging to express even for Tolstoy — and we are not Tolstoy. In emotionally significant relationships, non-verbal communication is, without a doubt, just as important as the verbal kind.

The most prominent way to communicate non-verbally is through physical means.  Hugs (or any other kind of skinship and intimacy) are a method of communication, a way we empathize with each other. We use it to express things we have difficult time expressing in words, because it is either too subtle or too overwhelming.

And it never hurt anyone. So why would you want to ban or stigmatize something something so useful and harmless? (Oh, right — because your parents never hugged you and you now feel uncomfortable with physical expression, so you use that spiteful energy and authority against these kids that are openly sharing intimacy.)

And besides, hugs are good for your health.

The fact that the millennials are hugging so much is an incredibly positive thing. Way more than some of these doomsayers — who think everything new is automatically awful — seem to realize. We worry so much about this generation, talking about how they’re always on the internet, so detached from each other and the real world, texting rather than having real conversations. But all this worrying I think is a load of bullshit that old people (I’m not talking about physically old people here) think up out of fear. They make it up, because these kids grow up so quickly with all this information and experience at the tip of their fingertips. Their kids are moving at light speed along with the world, and that scares them way more than they will admit.

So instead of talking about real problems with the youths today — like their powerlessness or masochism — they just complain about too much this and too much that. They mumble some crap about “back in the day…” or “all these unnecessary things…”

Anyway, I think we the milennials are perfectly capable of figuring it all out ourselves. We get little to no credit, even though we are definitely more worldly (if not necessarily smarter) compared to the previous generations as a result of growing up with the World Wide Web.

I think most of us do understand that there is a difference between the internet and reality, and that we must tread carefully with everything moving so fast. We understand that there are many different methods we can use to communicate with each other, from twitter to msn to cell phone texts to skype — and so we have no problem discovering and adding another to the list of communication devices that are available to us: the physical expression. We love to communicate, and hugs are a very effective (and free!) communicative device, so we use it a lot. Because we are so open to open communication, we embrace each other with open arms often and don’t think twice about it.

And that is a good thing. It really is. For these young people, hugging is pedestrian, an everyday thing, something they do all the time — and that’s not something to fuss over and bitch and whine about. It’s a very good thing! Because, why can’t touching be something we do all the time? Why does it have to be “saved” for “special occasions”? What the hell is a “special occasion” anyway? And that girl who said something about how hugs used to be “meaningful” is just full of shit. Hugs aren’t a rare commodity that you must hoard and give to only the “special” few on “special occasions”. There is nothing wrong with being generous with it, and if you are going to be stingy about it, forget it. I don’t want your hugs anyway. Hugs are good, pure and simple, and more is always better — and it’s something you can give your friends and acquaintances and even strangers without costing yourself a dime, so why not? Generosity is a virtue. It always has been.

And even if you don’t agree with me and still think too much hugging is problematic, cheapens the human experience and emotions for the lost and miserable generation Y, or whatever — just don’t hug anyone. No one is making you and we don’t want your hug anyway.